Dark Night of Inner-Fears

Category: Memoirs Published Online Published: Sunday, 28 October 2018 Written by Richard J Bell

Dark Night of Inner-Fears

 

Living in the shadows of the rising moon, where inner-fears and uncertainty reside, I can see my life has grown stagnant. The feeling of hopelessness has come in, and it seems nothing is working for me. Afraid that this darkness will be forever, I have come to accept that I may never get off the pension and be stuck in housing.

“This isn’t the life I had planned for myself,” I said as memories are projected on the transparent screen in front of me.

Pressing the button, a memory of me receiving my High School Year 10 certificate with four “B’s” and eighty-five out of a hundred for Science, was accompanied with ideas to go to university to become a Marine Biologist.

With a sigh, I press another button. Noticing the moon getting higher as the night grew lighter. The shadows enveloped my joy for life, as another memory rolls in of being told I’d never amount to anything by a Community Support Worker from a Non-Clinical Organisation.

Being so sick with depression that I believed what they said, I could not see the reality that I was perfectly capable of maintaining a relatively normal lifestyle, regardless of my illness.

As the moon rises the stars become dimmer and the foreboding sinks in more. Shadows of insecurity move in as every job I try for, I am rejected, because nobody wants to hire me after being out of work for over ten years.

Sitting on my seat, carved out of bush rock, I look at the grim surroundings in the twilight. A chorus of frogs from a nearby river, accompanies the night time hours.

Focusing on the transparent screen in front of me, prickles shiver up my skin, as I press another button. The memory that plays is one of failure. Every attempt that I make, trying to get out of the situation I am in, is met with obstacles that I cannot seem to get past.

Blockages from emotions rear their heads up with gut twisting feelings that make me drop out of TAFE on several occasions since my relapse in 2008.

Shaking my head. Tears form in my eyes. Trying to focus on the shadows against the ground, they are blurred, taking over from where the moonlight had penetrated. I hear the sound of midnight ringing from a bell tower, where with every heavy chime the hopelessness creeps in and surrounds me.

‘Will nothing work for me?!’ I think as my lips quiver.

So frustrated in my circumstances I am filled with intense anxiety that irritates my whole body.

‘Maybe it is time to give up?’ I ask myself as my eyes become tired.

After being stuck in the system for so long, it is hard to get out of it. Sitting in my chair sobbing to myself, realising I’ve lost hope and motivation to change my life. The coldness shivers up my body, as the wind howls my inner-fears that everything I have tried has met with failure. The cold rain of winter penetrates my shirt with sharp droplets that remind me, I am still alone, raw and fragile.

Still shaken I stand up from my chair, noticing the moon has sunken below the horizon. I have survived the dark night of inner-fears and uncertainty. Moving forward from the dark night, I can now put it all behind me, for I have met that challenge. In the misery of the night, I have realised that I have faced my fears, and I am now in a position to move forward, away from stagnation.

Copyright © Richard Bell 12th September 2015

 

 

Published in a South Australian based website called 'Mindshare' in September 2015

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